Perditus Catholicam

It means "lost Catholic". That's what I've been, for the better part of the last two years. I've been lost. More lost than Dante in his dark wood. More lost than a slave ship captain that sang about an amazing grace. More lost than the other half to a pair of socks. I've been lost in a place with seemingly unending darkness, with no light to guide me. I had strayed so far off whatever path I was meant to lead that when I look back, I wonder how I could have gotten so far off track. I look back at my life and barely recognize it anymore. I guess it's more appropriate to say that I look at myself, and I don't recognize myself anymore. I hate looking in the mirror because this stranger looks back at me and it terrifies me.

I was once this devout Catholic, more devout than the majority of Catholics. I was a retreat junkie, heaven bent on spreading my faith to anyone who would listen with an open heart. I was determined to light a fire under lukewarm Catholics, determined to open the eyes of others to the beauty of my faith, just as my eyes were opened. People would comment on my faith, how inspiring it was, to be so young, yet so old at the same time. I had daydreams of being a priest of God, of how my homilies would go, how I would be with a new family in their joy, or with a grieving family at the lost of a loved one. I daydreamed of hearing confessions and offering penance and absolution to the lost and weary soul. I dreamed of being something more, of being the best Catholic, and in turn, the best human being, I possibly could be.

And now here I am. So far gone from all of that. Now my dreams consist of simply making it to the next day. My dreams are nightmares, of what could possibly go wrong next. My nightmares are those dreams of what I used to be. I cannot remember the last time I went to Mass, the last time I stepped foot in a church. I don't know what its like to be on that retreat high anymore, what its like to have someone tell you how inspiring your faith is. I can't remember what its like to feel at home in a church anymore, what its like to fall to my knees in front of the tabernacle. I don't remember any of that anymore. I am afraid to remember any of that anymore, afraid to see, afraid to cry and keep crying forever.

I want all of that again. Desperately. More desperately than I've wanted anything before. And I think finally, I'm ready to reach for that want. To find all of what I used to be. To be all that I used to be. And if I can't be what I used to be, then I will be better. I desperately want to find, but most of all, I want to go from perditus to invenit. I want to be a "found Catholic".

May God bless you...and me.