This is where I will start my road back to being found...to being someone worth dying for.
Friday, September 13, 2013
"Someone Worth Dying For"
This is where I will start my road back to being found...to being someone worth dying for.
Perditus Catholicam
It means "lost Catholic". That's what I've been, for the better part of the last two years. I've been lost. More lost than Dante in his dark wood. More lost than a slave ship captain that sang about an amazing grace. More lost than the other half to a pair of socks. I've been lost in a place with seemingly unending darkness, with no light to guide me. I had strayed so far off whatever path I was meant to lead that when I look back, I wonder how I could have gotten so far off track. I look back at my life and barely recognize it anymore. I guess it's more appropriate to say that I look at myself, and I don't recognize myself anymore. I hate looking in the mirror because this stranger looks back at me and it terrifies me.
I was once this devout Catholic, more devout than the majority of Catholics. I was a retreat junkie, heaven bent on spreading my faith to anyone who would listen with an open heart. I was determined to light a fire under lukewarm Catholics, determined to open the eyes of others to the beauty of my faith, just as my eyes were opened. People would comment on my faith, how inspiring it was, to be so young, yet so old at the same time. I had daydreams of being a priest of God, of how my homilies would go, how I would be with a new family in their joy, or with a grieving family at the lost of a loved one. I daydreamed of hearing confessions and offering penance and absolution to the lost and weary soul. I dreamed of being something more, of being the best Catholic, and in turn, the best human being, I possibly could be.
And now here I am. So far gone from all of that. Now my dreams consist of simply making it to the next day. My dreams are nightmares, of what could possibly go wrong next. My nightmares are those dreams of what I used to be. I cannot remember the last time I went to Mass, the last time I stepped foot in a church. I don't know what its like to be on that retreat high anymore, what its like to have someone tell you how inspiring your faith is. I can't remember what its like to feel at home in a church anymore, what its like to fall to my knees in front of the tabernacle. I don't remember any of that anymore. I am afraid to remember any of that anymore, afraid to see, afraid to cry and keep crying forever.
I want all of that again. Desperately. More desperately than I've wanted anything before. And I think finally, I'm ready to reach for that want. To find all of what I used to be. To be all that I used to be. And if I can't be what I used to be, then I will be better. I desperately want to find, but most of all, I want to go from perditus to invenit. I want to be a "found Catholic".
May God bless you...and me.
I was once this devout Catholic, more devout than the majority of Catholics. I was a retreat junkie, heaven bent on spreading my faith to anyone who would listen with an open heart. I was determined to light a fire under lukewarm Catholics, determined to open the eyes of others to the beauty of my faith, just as my eyes were opened. People would comment on my faith, how inspiring it was, to be so young, yet so old at the same time. I had daydreams of being a priest of God, of how my homilies would go, how I would be with a new family in their joy, or with a grieving family at the lost of a loved one. I daydreamed of hearing confessions and offering penance and absolution to the lost and weary soul. I dreamed of being something more, of being the best Catholic, and in turn, the best human being, I possibly could be.
And now here I am. So far gone from all of that. Now my dreams consist of simply making it to the next day. My dreams are nightmares, of what could possibly go wrong next. My nightmares are those dreams of what I used to be. I cannot remember the last time I went to Mass, the last time I stepped foot in a church. I don't know what its like to be on that retreat high anymore, what its like to have someone tell you how inspiring your faith is. I can't remember what its like to feel at home in a church anymore, what its like to fall to my knees in front of the tabernacle. I don't remember any of that anymore. I am afraid to remember any of that anymore, afraid to see, afraid to cry and keep crying forever.
I want all of that again. Desperately. More desperately than I've wanted anything before. And I think finally, I'm ready to reach for that want. To find all of what I used to be. To be all that I used to be. And if I can't be what I used to be, then I will be better. I desperately want to find, but most of all, I want to go from perditus to invenit. I want to be a "found Catholic".
May God bless you...and me.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Viva il Papa!
May God forever keep His Holiness, Benedict XVI, Pope Emeritus of the Holy Catholic Church.
May the Father give strength to the College of Cardinals. May Jesus Christ the Son have mercy on them. May the Holy Spirit guide them as they enter Conclave. May the Almighty God bless them.
May the next Pope be a worthy and humble man, as he guides the Barque of St. Peter in this stormy world.
May God bless the Pope, Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman Province, Sovereign of the State of Vatican City, and Servant of the Servants of God!
May the Father give strength to the College of Cardinals. May Jesus Christ the Son have mercy on them. May the Holy Spirit guide them as they enter Conclave. May the Almighty God bless them.
May the next Pope be a worthy and humble man, as he guides the Barque of St. Peter in this stormy world.
May God bless the Pope, Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman Province, Sovereign of the State of Vatican City, and Servant of the Servants of God!
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Ash Wednesday
It's the start of Lent. It's been a long time since I've posted anything in this blog. But I thought I might put in a few daily reflections as a part of my Lent.
Much has happened since my last post. I think the most significant thing is that I have lost the will to attend Mass. When I'm with my family, I go. But on my own, I no longer. I would like to be able to say that I simply go less than I used to (which was pretty much daily), but that is not the case. I have not gone, not daily Mass, not Sundays, not Holy Days of Obligation. Today, I even missed Mass and the Distribution of Ashes. And this torments me. There are no words to properly describe the despair I feel. I can go to Mass, physical transportation is not the issue. It's just that after everything's that happened, I just don't feel like it anymore. It is one of the most terrible feelings in the world. To lose interest and passion about something that you once held so dear.
But hopefully this Lent will change that. I gave up Facebook, as I always do. But this year, I am going to make a Lenten purpose, one that I never thought I would ever have to make since I was Confirmed: I am going to go to Mass more. Maybe I'll start off with just attempting to go to Sunday Masses, and from there, who knows. I just want it back, to love Mass and my faith as I once did.
It's like one of those nightmares, where you recognize you're dreaming but you can't seem to wake yourself up. You try to move and you try to scream, all in the hopes that you'll wake from the nightmare. That's what it feels like. My heart wants nothing more than to wake up from this nightmare of a Mass-less world, but no matter how much the heart wants, the mind is horribly unwilling, and definitely unyielding. But I will try. I've lived in a nightmare for too long. I long to wake up, and see the Daylight once more.
To anyone who may stumble across this blog, I humbly beg you to pray for me. My journey will be long and tiring, and hopefully by the end of it, I will come out like John the Baptist, ready to proclaim the way of the Lord.
Peace and blessings to any and to all. Happy Journeying.
Much has happened since my last post. I think the most significant thing is that I have lost the will to attend Mass. When I'm with my family, I go. But on my own, I no longer. I would like to be able to say that I simply go less than I used to (which was pretty much daily), but that is not the case. I have not gone, not daily Mass, not Sundays, not Holy Days of Obligation. Today, I even missed Mass and the Distribution of Ashes. And this torments me. There are no words to properly describe the despair I feel. I can go to Mass, physical transportation is not the issue. It's just that after everything's that happened, I just don't feel like it anymore. It is one of the most terrible feelings in the world. To lose interest and passion about something that you once held so dear.
But hopefully this Lent will change that. I gave up Facebook, as I always do. But this year, I am going to make a Lenten purpose, one that I never thought I would ever have to make since I was Confirmed: I am going to go to Mass more. Maybe I'll start off with just attempting to go to Sunday Masses, and from there, who knows. I just want it back, to love Mass and my faith as I once did.
It's like one of those nightmares, where you recognize you're dreaming but you can't seem to wake yourself up. You try to move and you try to scream, all in the hopes that you'll wake from the nightmare. That's what it feels like. My heart wants nothing more than to wake up from this nightmare of a Mass-less world, but no matter how much the heart wants, the mind is horribly unwilling, and definitely unyielding. But I will try. I've lived in a nightmare for too long. I long to wake up, and see the Daylight once more.
To anyone who may stumble across this blog, I humbly beg you to pray for me. My journey will be long and tiring, and hopefully by the end of it, I will come out like John the Baptist, ready to proclaim the way of the Lord.
Peace and blessings to any and to all. Happy Journeying.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Inspiring Mom
No this post isn't about my own mother...that one comes later. This post, or rather homage, is to another mother, a very amazing one in fact. For so many reasons, especially this one:
Amazing right? You see, there are a lot of really ugly things in the world. Not to judge, but the girl who told her that she "was horrible for not aborting" her baby boy, was probably one of them. If you go on YouTube, and watch this video, you would be shocked by some people, few that they were, and the horribly ugly things they say. Some have used the video as a platform to spew their pro-abortion and atheistic bile. Some have said things similar to that girl that was referred to in the video. But for all the ugliness, no matter how much or how great, it can be tempered by one, even minute, beautiful thing or person. This little baby boy...he's one of those beautiful things. His mother...another one. For every single ugly comment on this video, there were hundreds of people to rebuke them.
I do want to say one thing. As much as we are tempted to use this video in our pro-life campaigns, because it is an appropriate and great one, let's not. Let's appreciate it for what it is without ulterior (albeit good) motive: a loving mother and a beautiful boy. You see friends, in our world today, the story of life and family does not alwats have a happy ending. I thank God that we are so amazingly blessed that, at least, this story does.
Happy Mother's Day. Peace and blessings.
Amazing right? You see, there are a lot of really ugly things in the world. Not to judge, but the girl who told her that she "was horrible for not aborting" her baby boy, was probably one of them. If you go on YouTube, and watch this video, you would be shocked by some people, few that they were, and the horribly ugly things they say. Some have used the video as a platform to spew their pro-abortion and atheistic bile. Some have said things similar to that girl that was referred to in the video. But for all the ugliness, no matter how much or how great, it can be tempered by one, even minute, beautiful thing or person. This little baby boy...he's one of those beautiful things. His mother...another one. For every single ugly comment on this video, there were hundreds of people to rebuke them.
I do want to say one thing. As much as we are tempted to use this video in our pro-life campaigns, because it is an appropriate and great one, let's not. Let's appreciate it for what it is without ulterior (albeit good) motive: a loving mother and a beautiful boy. You see friends, in our world today, the story of life and family does not alwats have a happy ending. I thank God that we are so amazingly blessed that, at least, this story does.
Happy Mother's Day. Peace and blessings.
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